so i can be quiet

oh, insecurity

2007-08-15T13:19:26Z

i always feel like i'm a half a breath away from a fall. i can see it coming and then surprisingly, it isn't there. just like so many other moments that are turning out to not be there. my head is spinning, spun- who taught me what to expect? one small question that was maybe even a joke, but i don't know your tone of voice. it tears something precious away from me, just in one little second. because now that question is eternal, suddenly attaching itself to what i had before. what we had? i can't say. the only thing i know for sure is what it meant to me, for what it's worth. because what it meant is completely unrelated to what it was. i was a child, i don't know if mine is a judgement to be trusted. good lord, this has fucked me up.

alive and well, i'm doing fine.

2007-03-29T15:08:54Z

There is a fear I can choose to indulge, a fear of what can go wrong. But what does this constant worry prevent? There is no reason to do anything but remain calm here. I can't live my life to make anything easier for the rest of you, I can't give you what I've done.

ninjasaresweet @ 2006-08-08T13:35:00

2006-08-08T17:47:00Z

i am indecisive. i've known about this problem for years, but it hasn't been until more recently that i'm starting to understand the depth of it. i find myself paralyzed, at a stand still, because i don't have the slightest ability to make something out of these thoughts in my head. i argue myself to death, comparing one thing to another, only to find that they really aren't comparable at all. apple in one hand, orange in the other. is this how i plan to spend the rest of my life? in the middle and waiting for that one big thing that will push me over the edge? arguments pile up, but each time i convince myself "stay for just one more. it's not time to choose yet." is this how people grow old and unhappy like they don't even know what hit them? i am starting to feel like my life is not my own. i am starting to fear that i will look back and remember it like one of those books from childhood- where you choose either mary kicks cindy in the face and turn to page 8 or mary keeps walking and turn to page 13. wishing that i'd picked a different page. wanting to turn back and see where it would have lead.

and suddenly everything is something new.

2006-03-31T22:46:48Z

i'm at work and i'm in such a bad mood because i don't feel like being here. lately, i am just so drained. i keep trying to meditate in the mornings but i can't sit still, i can't keep my head quiet. i want to take a vacation from myself, i want to fall asleep and wake up in a different place.

i only ever write in here when i'm miserable. there are good things too, but i don't have a hold on them today. i thought maybe the show would make me feel better. the only good thing was skylar kept hugging me and it was probably one of the best feelings ever. to see someone little and excited and trying to contain it but just not quite being able to.

and then there's me, i'm bitter and old.

ninjasaresweet @ 2006-03-16T16:53:00

2006-03-16T21:53:18Z

exhausted.

like comparing apples to oranges.

2006-02-01T18:20:12Z

just give up, and admit that you're an asshole.
you would be in some good company.
and i think you'd find that your friends would forgive you.
or maybe i am just speaking for me.

when i look around, i think this, this is good enough.
and i try to laugh at whatever life brings.
cuz when i look down, i just miss all the good stuff.
and when i look up, i just trip over things.

ninjasaresweet @ 2006-01-05T12:23:00

2006-01-05T17:34:19Z

i think i just need a little space to myself.

i'm turning into someone i don't know. it's really gotten hard for me to deal with the intense overwhelming emotions, i feel like i'm spinning out of control. but really, it's just life. it's just anger and love and hate and hope and happiness and life. what everyone feels. and suddenly i'm on ten, when i used to always be on like one and a half. no wonder i feel like a crazy person.

in other news, i can't wait to get out of this place. i am so sick of dealing with all the crap involved with retail. the world is full of narcissistic people who expect that you will do anything and everything to make them happy. ugh. depressing, really. are we all this self centered? we probably are.

i have other things to say that all make me sound like a sappy idiot.... so instead i will just smile to myself and continue with my day.

ninjasaresweet @ 2006-01-02T20:09:00

2006-01-03T01:11:07Z

MERRY DAGGER CHRISTMAS!!

AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

i'm a brat. and i know everything. and i talk back. cuz i'm not listening to anything you say.

2005-12-14T17:39:40Z

it's really bad when you spend so much time on the internet that nothing is fun anymore. myspace is not fun, the news is not fun, emails are not fun, the mall is not fun, somebody needs to give me something fun to do.

i think that i am going braindead. sometimes my eyes go out of focus for extended periods of time. i feel like i am lacking any stimulation and my brain is going slower all the time. i really should get a book to read while i'm here, to fight the automatic decline.

and the drama is ever growing. three people at work make it worse than two. and it was always surprising enough the amount of drama we had when it was only two people. can't i for once have a job where the people i work with are not out of hand? and i can't even begin to talk about it anymore. for real, i can try, but i can't think of anything to say anymore. besides i don't want to be a part of it.

consider yourselves warned that the little button in my head that goes "oh wait, definitely DO NOT say that out loud" is gone. this weekend should be VERY interesting. i can't keep quiet, and i especially can't keep quiet when i'm drunk. all that i ask is that you don't make shit up and then tell everyone. i don't think that's too much.

so ahead of time: "oops!!!"

p.s. when i hate people, i HATE people. i want to rip their arms off. don't expect me to forgive you. because i probably won't. and if you come near me today, you will be unhappy that you did. i am tired of pretending that everything's fine. zt, erin, it's time for zt.

ninjasaresweet @ 2005-12-11T12:35:00

2005-12-11T17:36:44Z

just when you think your 13 hour day at the mall could not possibly get worse......

they set up a high school jazz band right outside your store to play christmas carols.

ninjasaresweet @ 2005-12-11T08:20:00

2005-12-11T13:38:55Z

there are too many things that run around in my head. and i think once i spend so much time not writing here, i always come back feeling like whatever i have to say had better be really good. well, it probably won't be that exciting, sorry to disappoint. if anyone still reads this, and i'm not sure i would even mind if nobody did. because at least here, unlike myspace, no creepy dudes from all over the world will feel the need to read and comment on everything i say. in creepy ways. also, no creepy store manager can quote anything i post here. good.

oh livejournal, i love you! (fuck off, we're having a moment here)

i am so sick of christmas music i could rip off my eyelids. this is what working in the mall will do to you. i will be so happy when christmas is finally here (presents!!! but i might be more excited for other people to open there's than i really am for mine.....) and then over. i am really excited to go to vegas for new years eve. that is going to be fucking awesome. my mom was so cute when she found out we were going, she took me shopping for a new outfit and she kept telling me that i need my bling. so she bought me these ginormous earrings and rings. it was hysterical. my mom listens to yanni, how the fuck does she know what bling is?

it's 8 in the morning on a sunday and i am at work. there is nobody in the mall that does not work here. please kill me.

an anonomous idea

2005-12-04T14:48:15Z

i can't talk to you anymore. i am perfectly alone.

who writes in their livejournal anyways?

2005-03-21T20:40:40Z

home for a day- just long enough to be ready to leave again.

highlights of this one day:
-coffee- whenever i want, as much as i want, costs nothing since i bought a huge can a while ago.
-walking around- again, whenever i want, no cramped up legs from sitting in a van.
-spot with one of the top 5 boys of all time. (say hi to the kitchen for me)
-phone calls- my phone never rings when we're already together.
-carnivale- catching up on the most addicting show ever, season two is almost over.... what will i do then?

okay. i'm ready to go now.

yeah yeah yeah

2004-12-02T05:30:15Z

it's official- i'm antisocial. for those of you who didn't already know. i actually don't work tomorrow- whoa. and i have nothing to do until practice. score. i'm gonna do laundry.

my life is so thrilling.
oh and you can watch the stab video by Ben Barnhardt here:
http://www.destructionset.com

ninjasaresweet @ 2004-11-11T18:01:00

2004-11-11T23:05:38Z

so much has happened since i wrote last- hmm, where to start.

tour was sweet. seriously, there were so many times when i looked around and just realized how happy i was to be doing what we were doing. i really can't wait to go again. can we go now? only this time, no snow please.

getting back and moving into the new apartment was awesome- this place is really SO nice. we're like a little family and we have dinner together and it's cheesy and i love it. unfortunately, right now everyone is getting really sick so i'm the only one who's not in bed. poor josh actually got up for a bit today, but his cough is so bad he can't even really talk. i feel so bad for him! hopefully tomorrow he will be somewhat better since i have to start work and right now i'm pretty nervous about leaving him alone.

but everything is going really well. though i decided that i have to start being more social since i never see any of my friends anymore. so expect to be called soon and invited on dates for coffee and lunch. hopefully. if i don't get pneumonia like everyone else.

tomorrow i get a car! score.

ninjasaresweet @ 2004-09-16T14:09:00

2004-09-16T18:10:03Z

tobey moved out today.

i kept looking for him following me around so i left the apartment.

ninjasaresweet @ 2004-08-26T12:47:00

2004-08-26T16:53:04Z

man it feels good to get a full night's sleep. holy shit.

and i really have no time to write anything now, since i haven't even showered yet and i have to leave soon. and that sentence required so much editing i looked at it and didn't even know what it said. two seconds after i apparently turned dyslexic and typed it.

i need some fucking coffee.

i feel like i never see anyone i don't work with anymore. besides josh, who i sleep next to every night. once back to schol ends maybe i'll get a life again. or maybe not.

ninjasaresweet @ 2004-07-26T12:40:00

2004-07-26T16:50:08Z

and i always thought there was a long list of people who needed to be impressed.

until i realized that if nobody but you ever sees who i really am, that would be enough.

ninjasaresweet @ 2004-07-19T00:17:00

2004-07-19T04:29:45Z

why can't everything just be easy?

sometimes i wonder if i really am bipolar with the way i can swing from being in an amazingly good mood to being on the verge of tears in a matter of minutes. but i think it's really just stress, quitting smoking and the coffee/sugar crash all combined to make me feel miserable.

really things are okay. it's just that in some ways this kind of stuff is really new to me. but i like that i can freak out and tell you exactly what i feel and you actually listen. i'm glad that i feel like we get somewhere instead of just fighting in circles.

i hope that this works out. (fingers crossed.)

i want to buy a treadmill soon. but i think my knees are going to hate me when i start running again. but i don't care, i want to do it anyway.

i'm up too late to have a good day tomorrow. but i only have to work four hours so it doesn't really matter i guess. i'll just come home and take a nap.

almost time to go pick up sarah. i have the nicest roommate ever.

mostly i'm posting because i feel like i haven't in a while.

2004-07-13T00:10:24Z

having the internet is cool. moving to a new apartment is cool too, even if it is hot as hell up here. and i'm tired of unpacking things. but it is totally worth it when i can find what i need instead of having to dig through a billion boxes looking for everything i own.

i have a sunburn.

also i have to go back to work tomorrow after having three days off.

i don't pretend to be exciting.

ninjasaresweet @ 2004-06-28T18:19:00

2004-06-28T22:22:27Z

wow, it's so lame not having the internet again. but it's only for a couple more days before we're moved into the new apartment. i'm at sarah's house right now waiting for her to take a shower so we can go meet chris and jess and greg for dinner for chris' birthday. i'm very excited to see that boy because i never do anymore.

so yeah, things have been busy. my car is broke and i can't fix it so i feel like i'm 16 now having to ask my mom to drive me to the mall. i'm ridiculous.

i also haven't gotten a good nights sleep in quite a while. and while the coffee keeps my body going, my brain has quit.'

at least i'm finally back to just one job, 40 hours a week. it feels like nothing now.

thoughts don't come out right anymore.

2004-06-16T04:07:25Z

i don't even know what to say tonight.
i am still around, just never seem to have the time or energy to have much of a social life lately.

today sucked. thought i woke up late, rushed around for a couple minutes until i looked at the clock again and realized i had actually woken up early. was late to work anyway thanks to the 33 being closed and the longest detour known to man. and my landlord is a dickbag. trying to blame me for the fact that their maintenance guy had their copy of the key to my apartment when he was fired. what the fuck, not only do i not have time to give them my key so they can make a copy and give it back to me, but now there's some random creepy guy walking around with a key to my apartment. and they want to make me pay to get the locks changed. seriously, everyone can die.

in other news, i hate when you are not happy.

and if we don't get that apartment we are going to fight whoever does.

and i'm tired. and i haven't watched a movie in a few days so i think that's my plan. watch a movie in my bed, cuddle with my puppy, fall asleep. then wake up early tomorrow to go deal with my landlord. i'm so fucking thrilled.

at least i have all day thursday off. this never happens anymore. as long as we hit up ikea and go see saved, i will be a happy girl.

i'm in love and it's super cheesy.

ninjasaresweet @ 2004-05-30T21:08:00

2004-05-31T01:25:40Z

wow, there's not much that could have been said that would make me feel worse.

i really just wanted to throw myself out the window.

ninjasaresweet @ 2004-05-29T21:12:00

2004-05-30T01:00:56Z

i just woke up. had to work at ict this morning and i came home early because my belly felt like it wanted to puke. eww. i think i'm just overtired.

there are things that are exciting and things that are not. i had fun at metal night but being seriously sleepy combined with a suddenly very low tolerance for alocohol means i got a bit drunk and came home pretty early to fall asleep. and i didn't say bye to bez and now he thinks i'm a jerk.

also i never see my puppy anymore. and i have plans to do things tonight when i might just be interested in going to bed. these things have yet to be decided. life makes me tired.

something is weird and i can't put my finger on it.

but maybe a movie tonight would be fun? i was thinking about shrek 2 but i'm pretty sure that i'm morally opposed to sequels.

why am i talking about nothing?

i want the sun to be out. now.

2004-05-25T21:16:43Z

wow it is really nice to be home for more than just sleeping. i just keep thinking of the paychecks coming and telling myself it's worth it....

oh well, i always said i wanted to drop out of the social scene entirely. the only people i see anymore are sarah and christine. haha. and the creepy people i work with at ict.

band practice tonight- it feels like its been forever since the last one.

my next day off is memorial day and we're playing kiss the summer hello. hahaha. ghetto jams, here i come.